And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
