I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
