let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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