She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
