I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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