my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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