So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
