Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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