I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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