Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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