I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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