I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
