Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
