Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
