i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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