I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
