How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
