But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
