Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
