I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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