My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
