Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
