im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
