It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
