Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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