I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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