she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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