I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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