i permit you to call me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
