when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
