he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
