I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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