there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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