I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
