so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
