i permit you to call me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after