can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
