scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.