When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
