Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
