walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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