Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
