the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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