between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
