fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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