Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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