Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
