you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
