I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
