She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
