Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
