I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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