chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
