i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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