She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
