sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
